ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry