Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
A family that plays together cheats.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
My biological clock is wheezing.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill