My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.