to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first