I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
this came to me in a vision
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”