So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
PARKOUR
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
This is painfully accurate 😅
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?