Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!