If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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