To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Wednesday
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
“Theirye’re” problem solved
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December