My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
This did not end as expected.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular