[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
dictator is short for richard potato
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.