I want to meet the individual who made this
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
A small tragedy.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I drew y’all a little something.