DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight