Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Ron is short for Aaronald
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I hope it’s French Onion!