Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
You Might Also Like
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*