What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
BaD BoY!!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”