Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
🍞🦆
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.