My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.