One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Worth a try
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”