Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Lmao
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE