Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?