Me irl
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.