[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
*jazz hands*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
How times have changed.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)