“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Why I divorced her.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My good tweets are in my other pants.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”