An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
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why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.