“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*