me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
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The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.