The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?