All. The. Damn. Time.
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
got so much cardio in today
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Oops
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.