I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
You Might Also Like
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while