a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
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The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody