I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments