Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
You Might Also Like
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!