If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
g
a
r
d
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n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Look at this
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife