my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.