Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
what the
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”