What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”