i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.