Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
sliding into dms like
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you