Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars