A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
me linking you to my twitter
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
classic mixup
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.