Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?