[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Strange
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.