I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
You Might Also Like
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Does beer think about me too?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!