Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*