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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I was bored.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.