Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Found my door mat
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR