Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You Might Also Like
I found your tweet-up…
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
just pretend nothing happened
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”