That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”