People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions